Thankskilling

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It’s mother’s day, and what better way to celebrate than with a Thanksgiving Day themed horror movie?

This movie promises “Boobs in the first second” one of the things I’m here to do is prove the validity of those claims..

Only very technically it’s not the first second..

Because you get these title cards..

But yeah.. at around 39 seconds.. you do see a boob. Because I’m not here to objectify women, I will be obfuscating boobs and any other naughty bits with kittens.

Edit: Future Todd here to tell you there are no other boobs of any kind. In the only sex scene in the movie the only person who is naked is the Turkey.

That boob belongs to this unnamed lady who is out of breath and is being chased, you can hear screams in the background from other people.

She runs and things are flopping around predictably but alas, she trips on a rock.. so falls and then we see who has her on the run laughing as he approaches.

It’s the Turkey from the cover.. who can talk and who also raises an axe and presumably kills the woman..

And right away we get our Title, and it looks better than half the movies I’ve done so I have to give it that.

We are now at present day at an unnamed University someplace where the students are very excited about Thanksgiving. We see 2 guys exit a building and one of them (Billy) is so happy for Thanksgiving.. he rips his shirt off.

His friend Johnny tells him no one wants to see it but he tells him he’s only trying to get one of the girls they are hanging out with to take hers off and it seems to nearly work.

So our 4 people head off to do whatever they are doing for Turkey Day break.. and one more guy joins the team..

His name is Darren and he’s the nerd I guess.. anyhow they all pile into a jeep and head to someplace.

So they head off to get murdered..

I guess we can roll call a little because the movie does a pretty bad job: This is Johnny he’s our washed up Jock, he’s been backup quarterback since an injury. In some flashbacks we don’t care about we find out his father taught him to play football but they don’t talk anymore.

Billy is our loud country chubby guy. In some background they decide to tell you that Billy’s dad is passed but his mother is still around.

Darren tells everyone he is going to go “crazy” this trip and have sex with someone in the car.

Ali here is.. I guess the hoe friend. She tells Darren it’s not going to be her but everyone basically thinks if anyone is doing it it’s going to be her. We don’t slut shame here we slut appreciate so.. no judgement from me.

Kristen is the other girl in the car and all we know about her is she’s not as fun as Ali.

While our uh.. heroes.. are on their way, we see an old guy in the woods who is letting his dog out to pee.

The dog happens upon the tiniest totem pole ever and pisses on it.

And this is enough to resurrect our Evil Turkey Murderer that the cover tells us is named “Turkie” because I guess some variation of the name Tom was too hard. He also kills the dog but you don’t have to see it happen.

Now we finally see who Kristen is, her Dad is the Sherrif of someplace, he discovers his wife has shit in his coffee because she wants a divorce. He’s ok with it and is called by Kristen who tells him she’s a couple of hours away, and he asks if she’s going to the Policeman’s Ball later which maybe is a thing that’s going to happen later I don’t know it seemed like a weird detail to drop.

Well unfortunately it’s going to be longer than a few hours.. Their car overheats as they pass through some no name town and they park on the drive of the road.

They decide why not party here.. in the woods and camp and get drunk, what could go wrong?

While they are woohooing about all the partying, Darren trips over a sign and realizes they are camping on what used to be the town of Crawberg, and he alone remembers the story and tells it to his friends.

Back in the Pilgrim days at this same Crawberg, something bad happened..

Once upon a time a Shaman named Feathercloud was dishonored by a Pilgrim named Chuck Langston, who they say was probably an ancestor of Billys.. The Shaman was so outraged, he necromanced a Turkey that would kill humans every 505 years, which oddly enough is right now.

And that 505 years, is in about 45 minutes. They aren’t taking it seriously..

They are all ready to go to bed, and Kristen remember she hasn’t called her dad, so just after they hang up.. She thinks she hears something sneak up on her..

And it’s the turkey! So she runs for it back to the camp site..

But they all think she’s full of shit, so they ignore her and tell her it’s time to go to bed.

Even the Turkey throwing an eviscerated Bunny in their fire doesn’t convince them of danger.. and they all go to bed.

It’s the next day and I’ll be honest with you I expected there to at least be one murder already and we don’t actually end up with anything.

Anything other than Turkey crap on Billy’s chest.

So they all pack up and head off to wherever they are going.. And seemingly everything is ok.

I was actually also expecting to find out that the Turkey had hitched a ride under the car Cape Fear style, but instead he actually hitches a ride

But there is a fee for the ride, and although the Turkey chooses Ass at first..

Alternate payments are arranged..

And we learn the Turkey can drive along with talk..

As we move forwards it’s going to get a little confusing because this movie is rife with continuity errors, but I guess what do you expect?

So the crew arrive to wherever they are going, and that has apparently been just to go their parents houses and have Thanksgiving (and that seems kind of normal) they drop off Ali,

Then they make the same “Her legs are harder to shut than the Jonbenet Ramsey Case” joke they made earlier and react like it’s the first time. Later on they do this again.

Then everyone else is separated and we don’t see it because Johnny is home.

And we have this stupid scene where he lies to his dad about no longer being injured, but any happiness is cut short..

Because the Turkey shows up and cuts his Dad. The Turkey removes his dad’s head and throws it at him.

While he tries to get help he finds his mom has also been Murdered. Now does he go to the police? does he call an ambulance? No.. In fact with every murder in this movie no one ever calls for help.

He gets everyone but Ali over to Billy’s house.

The reason Ali isn’t there is because she’s at home hooking up with some Rando with her clothes on.

So the turkey kills that guy then uh.. fills in for him so to speak..

Then he breaks her neck.. so no little turkey babies running around I guess.

We find out the turkey used an extra small gravy-flavored condom also, better safe than sorry. Anyway they all decide the way to fight the Turkey is read books! And Kristen’s dad has books. One of them is probably Turkey Murderer themed.

Well to prove he’s one step ahead.. Turkie shows up at her dad’s house in disguise. But that’s not too weird.

Her dad is dressed up as a Turkey also for the Banquet / Ball later. And after making alot of short person interjections.. Turkey decides he’s had enough

And kills her dad..

And not long after when they show up he’s wearing her dad’s face.. somehow..

And they buy that shit. They all refer to him as her dad and she kisses him.

So after a “5 minute” search montage they do indeed find a book that tells them to defeat the Turkey they need to separate him from a talisman.

But that just makes him vulnerable they have to “break the code” to figure out how to kill him, that’s super dumb. The text as you can see doesn’t mean anything. lol.

Billy decides he’s hungry.. So they send him off alone to find some food what could happen.

What happens is he stumbles on Turkie trying to hide the body..

Which turns into them grabbing him, getting the talisman and having a maybe racist conversation I’m not going to reliving here.. anyhow.. the Turkey gets away because they can’t kill it yet.

Billy is still hungry and leaves anyway and they don’t stop him.

And minutes later Darren “cracks the code” they just have to burn the Turkey on a stake, and recite some ritual words. Easy Peasy. But they also figure that the Turkey is out there either in his Teepee or killing Billy.. And they figure it’s killing Billy..

Which is exactly what’s happening.. he’s stumbling around literally saying “I’m so hungry” and happens upon this magical animated cooked turkey..

So he eats the turkey cartoon style.. and then suddenly feels bad afterwards.

Because the Turkey was Turkie all along, and he’s got a full shotgun with him so Billy is dead.

When the crew find Billy, Darren in particular is very upset about it, and after trying and failing to convince Billy that he’s dying he decides the best way to remember him..

Is with a music video.. and it’s as bad as everything else we’ve experienced in this movie.

So eventually they track the turkey to a teepee.. because.. I’m just not going to get into it. anyhow.. they tie him up while he’s making a salad.

And after saying the magic words he breaks away before they can set him on fire, but as he leaves the teepee

The woodman guy who’s dog he killed is suddenly there and he shoots the turkey and this makes the turkey launch into the air.. and into a trashcan.

While they talk over the trashcan about how dead the turkey is and how done they are with all this they decide it’s best to leave and go home and watch a movie, they decide that Kristen’s house is best since her dad is in the kitchen with his face peeled off.

So that’s what they do, and they are super excited to see this movie whatever it is.

Meanwhile we see there is a bright green glow coming from the trashcan.. but look at that sign..

It’s radioactive waste.. what is this Tromaville?

We see the remains of our crew is watching night of the living dead.. why not a classic?

Johnny and Kristen decide to be a couple.. and then start canoodling on the floor in front of Darren who excuses himself for a bathroom break / snack.

While he’s looking at the fridge he suddenly feels a thermometer to the butt cheek!

That’s right it’s that fuckin Turkey again, and this time he’s radioactive.

He pecks Darren’s heart out and as he dies he suddenly sees an image of his friend Billy..

Who tells him there aren’t any Turkeys up there and he should just come with him..

Johnny and Kristen naturally don’t hear any of this as they are napping after canoodling on the floor. They decide they should go look for Darren.

Johnny finds Darren dead on the floor and this distracts him and the Bird stabs him with an electric turkey carver. I feel like if they tried harder the Turkey could have basted someone to death or maybe like.. tried to deep fry someone. They missed opportunities.

Kristen comes in and throws the bird across the room and gets johnny out of the building.

They decide to hide out in a shed behind the house

They find cans of spray paint and Johnny still has his lighter so they decide to use this as a weapon

As you might imagine, the turkey makes a beeline to the shed they are hiding in, but that’s ok..

Kristen has a can of Krylon waiting for him and she sets him on fire.

While Turkie burns, Johnny takes the time to tie from his wounds, and he makes a weird football reference and it’s super lame.

She remembers that the bird has to die on a stake, so she uses a bat to launch him into a very convenient bundle of wood, which erupts into flames.. killing him.. as he vows that he will return and he will kill them all when he does so.

Also as he burns a little turkey leg pops out of the fire.

So Kristen eats it. although it’s clearly a chick leg.

So it’s sometime later.. and at some thanksgiving someplace.. the family is praying before their turkey..

And suddenly the Turkey jumps up and yells “Is it time for a sequel BIYATCH?” (his words not mine)

And holy fuck We are done.

This movie does have a sequel and it’s called Thankskilling 3, in the movie they are looking for the only copy of Thankskilling 2 and it’s on the list..

Next Week is Sharknado because I want to get that one done and I don’t care if it sounds easy. 😀

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