Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!


Ahh yes. I’m on vacation this upcoming week, I might try to pump out more than one of these, it depends on how masochistic I feel I guess. Anyhow, Sharknado 3! Made in 2015, for Syfy by The Asylum with a budget of 2.4m, lets see how much of that they spent on plot…

The opening crawl is a James Bond-esque bullet scene except instead of a scope you see through a shark mouth and instead of a gun, it’s Fin holding a chainsaw.

Then we roll straight to a Title Card.

We get a couple of minutes of Fin running all over Washington DC and it looks pretty overcast.

I have since learned this is Ne-Yo

Suddenly a black SUV stops to pick him up and take him straight the President who is waiting for him. It’s Secret Service Agent Deveraux and I don’t know if he’s going to show up later but the female agent doesn’t mention her name so if he does I bet her ass is eaten by a shark.

April calls and he just repeats what I told you but with an I love you he establishes they are still together.

The ride is cut short by a Shark protest! There are pro and anti shark protesters with signs in front of the White House. Fin decides to hops out and proceed on foot.

After a little stand off with the fuzz, Fin is invited inside by the Secretary of State, and on his way to (*I Hope*) explain to us what the hell has been going on since the last movie.

But aside from whatever we are going to learn there we do learn that April has a bump now as she talks to Bo Derek. I guess Fin and her can have another child they won’t talk about in the rest of these movies.

Of course a Sharknado movie isn’t a movie with no weather. A Tropical storm is just off the coast headed to DC.

Which we learn by seeing another Future Sex Offender and former House Representative Anthony Weiner apparently he’s the Director of Nasa.

Now we see what the hubbub is about. Fin is here to get a medal from the President.

The Mayor of NYC also brings him an “Order of the Golden Chainsaw” statue / award / working golden electric chainsaw. We are also assured it’s real gold.

Fin’s BIL Martin is on hand, and he’s helping Fin out. He makes sure to mention that Ellen is not with him.

Cameos and Awards aside, Fin’s only concerned about one thing.. and that’s the weather. “Not Again” he mentions to the president who he tells that “DC isn’t safe” and that he can “Sense these storms now”

And I guess he’s right, because a waterspout immediately starts flinging sharks.

And they eat Agent Deveraux, I guess he only came back for this.

They start wrecking monuments..

Which is hard work, as evident by this shark taking a nap on Lincoln’s lap.

The NYC Mayor is eaten

Maria Menounos is eaten.

Lou Ferrigno is eaten right after he tells people they won’t like him when he’s angry.

Even Christopher Judge is eaten.

The President and Fin are left alone and have to shoot their way out of the White House as it crumbles around them, as you might expect in any Tropical Storm with winds up to.. 39 miles an hour.

After shooting all the surfaces and growling the POTUS and Fin jump out a window.

Just as half the Washington Monument crushes the White House.

Just in time to meet up with the VP and Martin who painting surfed to freedom.

The Sharknado mysteriously stops, and Fin tells everyone “looks like the rules have changed” And this sends one giant shark heading right for them..

They raise up a flag pole and impale it all Iwo Jima style. Fin sez “God Bless America”

And then 13 Minutes and 43 Seconds in.. we get.. Opening Credits? Playing the same Sharknado song as the last 2 movies.

It’s the next day and even though Washington DC was destroyed.. April, Her mom (who is Bop Derek) and a new actress playing Fin and April’s now adult daughter are going to Universal Studios.. which I’m super familiar with since I’m a pass holder. 😀

April is sporting a black glove.. which I guess is hiding whatever bullshit they are saying is her hand now since it got chewed up in the last movie. I’m sure it will be a robot saw hand somehow just like the last movie.

We find out through some phone calls that Fin is on his way.

We also find out that the President wants to evacuate all coastal cities because a Huge Sharknado is coming to wreck everything.

But in classic Florida fashion no one here gives a fuuuuuuuck. Sun’s out Fun’s out mother fuckers.

Claudia meets up with her Buddy Jess in the park and manages to leave her phone at the Rip Ride Rocket, which they spend way too much time on, they clearly worked with the park on some of this. Regardless, parks open, no one seems to care about this weather yet.

Back to Fin who is on his way passes through a town which is full of a smokey fog.

Win discovers it’s another impromptu Sharknado but before he can do anything about a weird RV with armor on it pulls up.

A lady with a Skull mask starts beating on Sharks..

And a guy pops out the top and shoots the Sharknado.. which stops it.

He discovers the lady is Nova, from the first movie. I guess she’s not dating his son and she doesn’t mention him.

Instead she’s seemingly platonically partnered with Frankie Munoz.

They are taking the fight to the Sharknado’s and Nova wants to #KillEmAll. She also tells Fin the sharks they’ve been dissecting are eating birds because they stay in the sky so long.

They decide to take Fin to Orlando in their RV which they call The Beast, They also say the “eye” is moving to Orlando.

Why not.

Meanwhile.. in Orlando, You see April has a robot hand, but it’s not just a hand.

Because when a shark naturally comes down the waterslide and starts eating people she wants to take care of it..

With her concealed chainsaw attachment.. but her mom intervenes because she’s pregnant maybe and no Shark justice is dispensed. April isn’t happy about this.

The Beast runs into a wrecked bridge and can’t get across and so rather than caulk the wagon and forge the river..

They head to Fort McGuffin to borrow an airplane.

General Tuvok is more than happy to let Government property be used by unqualified civilians since he and Fin are buds. He also mentions that Fin’s son is deployed now. Nova tells Fin she can fly the plane because his son taught her how.

The plane they are going to take is literally called “old bessie” and it’s the only one left.

Right on time, the another Sharknado shows up, and it’s eating people left and right.

The plane is a 2 seater, and Frankie has to stay behind. He’s clearly got a crush on Nova, but keeps it to himself. He tells Nova the Beast has a failsafe and he’s going to take out the Sharknado.

Sharks eat both legs and both arms.. but he manages to use his face to press the “failsafe” button which is on top of the Beast rather than be inside.

This makes the beast explode and knocks out the Sharknado, even though he had that gun that did the trick earlier.

Fin and Nova fly straight up out of Fort McGuffin rather than what you do when you normally take off in a plane because reasons.

And Nova tells fin she’s going to kill all the sharks.

They make pretty good time and for whatever reason pass right over Daytona, and the Daytona 500 is happening because fuck weather.

Of course, another Sharknado appears at the race and people are being snacked on, cars are being wrecked. They actually do an ok job of just reusing wreck footage and putting sharks in it.

Nova and Fin detach their gas tank and blow up the Sharknado but not without the consequence of damaging the plane and they have to ditch in the water.

But don’t worry they are safe, and they exit the plane with almost no clothes on.

I guess this whole time they were flying in only underwear?

But at least they have their gun and double chainsaw.

Oh but it gets better. They somehow landed 70 miles from Daytona..

In the water in the middle of the Universal side of the Park which is in Orlando.

This whole time April and her mom (May, not kidding) are trying to find her daughter.

And the daughter isn’t actively in danger, they have just been riding rides with some boys they met. This does not remain the situation for very long however as Sharks rain down on the park.

April thinks her daughter is on Ripe Ride Rocket because that’s where she left her phone.. And the RRR Employee lets her go wherever she wants with him to check it out before he gets eaten.

Things at the park progress pretty quickly, like this guy who is actually Jerry Springer getting eaten by what he thinks is the Jaws shark statue but was actually a real shark.

George RR Martin dies watching the makeup show. I guess in the Sharknado verse isn’t going to finish the rest of ASOIAF either.

Claudia’s buddy Jess gets flattened by a shark but Claudia doesn’t mention it later. I guess she got over that pretty quick.

Fin ends up meeting April and taking a ride with a Shark at one point on the Rip Ride Rocket and then the car detaches somehow and ends up in the Twister ride.

And everyone thinks he’s and the shark are all just part of the show.

Then they all somehow end up in the Univeral Park Globe outside the entrance and it breaks free and chases people down CityPark until it flies up in the air..

And strands them on top of the Spire Tower in front of Islands of Adventure.

Some time later they get out of that offscreen and start talking about what to do next.

Since this has been going on bunch of sharknados have popped up all over the East Coast, and they destroy a few cities. Nova tells Fin they have to heat up the Sharknado somehow and Fin decides to do that..

He’s going to have to go to… SSPPPAAAAAAAAAACCCEEEE.

Fin visits his Dad, who is David Hasselhoff but he wants you and everyone else to call him The Colonel. Fin tells him the plan and his dad tells him there is a secret space shuttle that still works.

Fin suits up in the most ridiculous bullshit space suit ever which includes Football pads and he and his Dad (and April who accidentally has to be included at the last second) get the President to allow them to use the Secret Shuttle. They intend to detach the Solid rockets booster and fuel tank into the storm to get the heat.

The Sharknados approach the Shuttle and I’m not going to bore you with the details but they do end up taking off, but alas…

It’s just not hot enough when they send the fuel into the storm.

The Colonel tells Fin they are going to use the “Star Wars” satellites from the 80’s to get the job done.

Fin’s Dad has to go to this Satellite to fix them because it’s a little broken, but he manages to do so.

And the Giant Laser from the satellite kind of McGuffins the Giant Sharknado away like it was never there just leaving Sharks to fall to the ground.

But somehow this also means that you get Sharks.. In Mother Fucking Space.

Fin gets out his Laser.. Chain? Saw? (is it any of those things at that point?) to kill some sharks. Somehow this is something that Nova leaves him in the back of the Shuttle. The Shuttle starts taking damage, and starts to break apart.

Fin’s dad opts to stay behind with the satellite because he can’t get to the ship. Which is dumb because later he makes it all the way to the Moon.

April’s water breaks.. (remember she’s pregnant) I’m not certain how she’d feel that because no gravity but she’s having the baby now.

Which means it’s double prizes for this Shark who rips a hole in the space shuttle and swallows her whole.

Fin exits the ship as it breaks apart..

And heads into the mouth of the Shark he *Thinks* might be the one who ate April.

But he’s chosen poorly because she’s not in the Sharks giant hollow body. As the Shark falls back to earth he cuts a hole and deploys some parachutes which I guess he had hidden in his pocket or something.

And manages to land on a Beach, he exits the now cooked shark and starts searching the surrounding cooked sharks nearby..

Which is where he finds his wife and now Born child who we learn is a Boy.

And everyone else is there somehow. We also find out that he’s going to name his new Son after his dad “Gilbert” or Gil for short because we can’t have enough God Damn Fish Jokes.

And that’s almost it. We find out that Gil and some sharks somehow make it to the moon.

And in a post credits scene it’s implied that April gets unalived by a piece of space debris but we don’t see this we just hear some sounds.

And then that’s IT!

God these are getting harder to watch. It’s not even the acting it’s just so slow sometimes and all over the fucking place. They seem to also “One Take” often then try to fix it in post with effects.

Ok guys.. Next up is Sharknado – The 4th Awakens.

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