Velocipastor

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It’s time.. The Velocipastor! Something tells me this movie is *not* going to live up to this movie poster.

If you want to watch this its available on Prime.

spoiler: it doesn’t live up to the hype.

Ohhhh boy ok this movie was made on a 35k budget and I think someone might have actually pocketed some of that: We start off with a pastor giving a sermon

The he goes outside and is excited to see his parents

Then there is an explosion.. only you don’t get to see it instead you see

after our Pastor gives a Vader Worthy Noooooooooo! another fellow pastor tells him it’s ok that’s what parents do… they die

he convinces him to travel and so he leaves in a car that i think may be where the budget went.

the other preacher told him to go where god won’t go.. so he goes.. to China? except this looks like georgia

Ok he’s in China now and is walking in the woods around no chinese people.. when suddenly a lady who has been shot with an arrow falls onto him

she is indeed hurt

She hands him like a tooth or something and tells him to destroy it but he doesn’t understand and she dies saying “The Dragon Warrior”

a ninja comes to finish the job

And he cuts himself on the tooth and passes out

then he wakes up back in america that was a very short trip

Ok side story this prostitute and her pimp talk and his name Frankie Mermaid because “he’s swimmin in bitches” she’s going to work in the park tonight surely this will be where we get to see more disappointing cgi markers

ok it’s clearly night and the park and our pastor is getting a little more raptory

our prostitute is being robbed by a guy. but don’t worry

He gets attacked by our Velocipastor..

oh boy

He doesn’t seem to snack on the prostitute.

ok it’s the next morning and at first he thinks he had sex with the prostitute (her name is carol his name is doug) and then she tells him he ate someone. She tries to convince him to use this power to eat bad guys. He’s not into it and runs away.

Ok he’s back to pastoring but his first job is confession and who should walk in but our boy Frankie Mermaid and he’s confessing to killing his parents!

so this doesn’t go very well and frankie is clawed in the neck and takes a little too long to die

and he’s into it. no mention of the the cleanup at the church I guess no one noticed

ok so now we get a weird bible / workout / her finding jesus / them doing dino research..

him occasionally eating people

and then he puts his arm around her, why not.

yeah it’s “chinese” ninja time

oh christ someones little brother wanted to be in the movie

ok so uh little brother here talks to the leader of the chinese ninja clan and they talk about drugs and say they will handle the dragon warrior then they Evil Laugh for about 30 seconds loudly i’m not kidding

ok.. exposition this is the other preacher he thinks there is something wrong with Dougie so doug tells him the deets. He wants to have him excorcised.

he takes him to this guy and then has a flashback of “the war”

it’s dumb his friend dies and then his girlfriend steps on a mine

back at the exorcism things aren’t going well and dougie raptors out

He kills his preacher buddy. We were betting the buddy was a bad guy but I guess we are wrong.

He bolts leaving Discount Doctor Strange behind.

some ninjas reminisce (seriously) and then he eats them

and he goes to carol and they have sexy time

and they make it a weird music video with really bad editing

He does not seem to eat her. In any good or bad way. in the morning they fight more ninjas and learn the ninja are all christians.

Preacher Buddy is not dead and wakes up to where our main bad ninja guys are

they tell him they are christians

and that cocaine is at the core of their plan to reinvigorate the church

they want to get everyone hooked on drugs then break their supply and they will turn to the church

the buddy disagrees with him (again we were certain he was bad ) and they kill him again!

then they both evil laugh again not as long thank goodness

It’s showdown time. our hero mentions how it’s nice that one of the ninja told them where the bad guys are. this didn’t happen but whatever

he takes carol and they square off against little brother and some ninjas

but little brother has a secret

He’s actually dougs Little Brother!

he throws an ancestral sword to the ground and they fight and doug summons the sword to him

then he kills his little brother and it takes forever

meanwhile someone kills carol

he’s sad about it

the ninja start hugging everyone is sad

then we get a dino fight and our first real look at the raptor

then the bad guy shoots him in the leg and he is human again

yup

he gets carol to a doctor and she’s ok somehow

And that’s IT.Jesus Christ.Zero out of Five this was so bad

Next Week.. Llamageddon!

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