On March 20th the kids an I watched this movie and capped screens to review it on Facebook.. and that’s going to end up as a lost thread so I’m putting them all here.. so..
It’s time.. for Avalanche Sharks! What’s more dangerous than hungry sharks? Hungry Ghost Sharks.. that’s what. Let’s dig in kids.
Our film begins at a ski resort..
A couple of Snow Dude Bros are skiing out of bounds in an area that’s supposed to be blocked off.
We find out the reason it’s blocked off is because someone in a very orange jacket is trying to use some explosives to cause a controlled avalanche
When the dude bros jump out the way, the explosion disturbs some kind of grave / altar thingy on the ground and it glows.
Then the glow summons.. a Ghost Shark!
Who promptly snacks upon one of the snowdudebros
in his haste to get away the other snowdudebro impales himself upon a tree.. denying the Ghost Shark a second snack.
ior so I thought.. the ghost shark feasts upon him as well. Ghost Sharks 2 / DudeBros 0
Aand Title Screen.
The opening credits are back dropped by some very disturbing children’s drawings.. someone should talk to their parents.
I guess we are going to start with Character Exposition.. Why not. A lady in a bikini top comes out of her house to greet some person picking her and her sister up. She asks the driver for 5 more minutes
This doesn’t fit with his plans, and he expresses that.
To which she informs him it’s going to be 10 minutes now. The only reason I include this is because that’s all her and her sister talk about the next few minutes, that this guy keeps a schedule and she doesn’t like him or it. This will probably come up later.
Her and the sister leave, you’ll never guess they are going.. Skiing
In another place we meet a Soldier and his Wife. We know he’s a soldier because she mentions it about 6 times. He’s also wearing Chamo because you should never let the enemy see you even when you are home in your underwear.
He’s upset because his Little Brother and his friend have left without them to go.. SKIIING! (clearly these are the two who have been eaten)
Back to our Sister’s and Randy. He agrees to let one of them out for an unscheduled pee stop while he tells them a story about Skokum.. who is a space demon shark.. we actually don’t get to hear the story because it’s boring enough they skip to DudeBros Skiing
#do the dew
Seriously this is exactly what they do.
I guess the ski resort has it’s own Sherriff. He tells these ladies to Cover Up..
So naturally one of them flings her clothes at him “It’s Spring Break.. ANYTHING GOES!’
The Sherriff’s girlfriend tells him tonight is their 6 month Anniversary because that’s how that works.. thus almost surely dooming one or both of them.
We find out the girlfriend is a marine biologist. In a scene that looks a lot like an erectile dysfunction ad.
Later at a wild gasoline fueled fire party..
An old man tells the dudebro skiers that Skookum is comin.
He tells them he’s seen it before.. they don’t believe him and ask him to leave.. Our Military guy asks about his brother and no one is listening to him either.
And a random guy gets lost and eaten in the woods AS = 3, SDB = 0
It’s the next day and people are skiing and nothing is wrong.
Military Bro is still worried about his Little Bro Bro.
But he still finds time to make the stupidest banter with his girlfriend / wife.. She’s 28 and he’s 26 and it’s super super dumb. He keeps making quips about her being an older woman.
This lady is also looking for the Rando guy who was murdered
While Military guy strikes out with the cops to help him, she finds a dudebro to help her look for her cousin.
One of the clear problems this movie has is the number of characters. We are now introduced with 2 *new* characters, they are a couple and her name is Barb.
They are hiking and he is tired.. but she tells him if he can keep up she will give him.. a Sex Treat.
He’s going to try to keep up, I’m 200% sure they are both gonna die.
well he does catch up with her, only to find there are no sexy treats, instead, she wants him to say that he loves her.
He does not say the words, and she storms off.
Only to be snacked upon.
So it looks like the only one who got a treat.. was the Avalanche Shark. AS = 4, SDB = 0.
The Crazy Old Man from before has one of his dogs eaten..
He tells the Sherriff “They haven’t eaten for 25 years and they weren’t supposed to come back!” But the guy in the red jacket tells the Sherrif he’s crazy and no one should listen to him
we find out the crazy man’s name is Duffy Dufferin
Meanwhile Loverboy tells Military Bro that Barb is dead.. and he regrets not telling her that he loved her.
They run when they hear the sharks come.
Back in the Sherrif’s office his girlfriend stops by to give him lunch and he makes a very uncomfortable oral sex joke. Duffy tells her the Skookum are coming back and suddenly we discover.. she’s got extra information.
She tells the Sherrif to “open the file from March 25th.. 25 years ago” and he looks in his one tiny 2 drawer cabinet and has no trouble finding the ONE FUCKING FOLDER THAT’s IN THERE which contains our disturbing child drawing from earlier.
“something killed my parents” she tells them. Apparently Duffy rescued her.Why is this what they have documented in the Sheriffs office?
She tells him a story about.. Sharks swimming through snow and it being a Native American legend.
It’s still spring break and the woo girls are out.
Military Bro and Lover Boy and MB’s GF are heading back to report Barb’s death.
Lover Bro can’t take it any more and drops to his knees.
Two AS’s appear behind them
They tell him to come with them but he tells them he KNOWS WHAT TO DO.. and that HE’s GOT THIS!
It’s Love baby. He’s not afraid anymore
He confesses his love for them AND barb
He loves his parents.. his job.. he is yelling about how much he loves everything.
The Avalanche Sharks let him know they love his meat.
MB and MBGF run into the Sherrif and his GF. And they tell them about the sharks and the Sherrif still doesn’t buy any of it.
The AS appear and MB grabs the Sherrif’s gun and shoots at them.
And one of them decides to pop up to say hi.
So they take off on the snowmobiles.
Back at the resort the “mayor” of the town argues with the Sherrif to keep the mountain open. They refuse to close the mountain and decide to send out a ski patrol of DudeBros to look for missing people and feed the Sharks instead. They also decide to fire the Sherrif.
They keep showing these ladies in this same hot tub. There is going to be some serious prunage going on here if they are not careful. 7 year old Todd is concerned.
Sherrif and the Military Bro decide to take the fight to the Avalanche Sharks.
Ski Patrol leader guy bro stops them and tells the Sherrif he’s been fired and takes his gun. He also threatens to arrest Military Bro. because he is now New Sherrif Bro
They then tell people not to worry and that bikini skiing begins in a half hour.
As they leave a guy with a snow blower gets eaten by an AS and no one seems to notice. Sneaky Shark
Since everything is still open and we haven’t heard enough about this.. the punctual dudebro from earlier and a random lady are in a gondola.
And he decides to tell her the Skookum story we didn’t get to hear earlier. It seems some miners massacred some natives who lived on the mountains during the gold rush. A shaman of the tribe summoned demons to kill the miners and that’s what they did.
A little while later this random lady is with a pair or other dudebros who both want to date her.
Alas when the winner defeats his friend there is no Jiggyness since she is promptly eaten by an Avalanche Shark. His disappointment is cut short as he too is eaten bringing our total to : Avalanche Sharks 8 and Dude Bros 0
Duffy is free now that there is a change in Sherrif but he finds his doggos have all been snacked. He cocks his gun and is ready to fight about it.
And the Woo Girls are *still* in the hot tub.
MB and MBGF plead with them to get out..
One girl listens but the other two do not.
And are both snacks for the Avalanche Sharks.. and we are now 10/0
Things are ramping up now. and a rando skier is eaten behind our new Sheriff 11/0
He finally decides the sharks are real and tells everyone to get to safety
Suddenly we see another avalanche..
which hits the town
and we lose our last bikini dressed woo girl 12/0
The Sherrif also gets it in the neck.. 13/0 (I now see I count him again later, so I’ll fix it there.)
The new Sherrif is trapped and begging for help.
The Ex-Sherrif’s now Ex-Girlfriend tells the remaining people that the last time when she was a child they hired a town shaman who quieted the Avalanche Sharks.
Duffy shows up and is seemingly killed after he runs out of ammo.
Yeah confirmed, he asks military bro to kill him as he stabs the shark. and he does.. so I’m going to not count this one. They are unable to rescue New Sherrif Bro and run back to the building they are holed up in.
The Ladies make a run for it, and Military Bro stays behind in the building. I’m not sure why they thought the Sharks would stay focused on him
He grabs a sniper rifle because Old Sherrif just had an arsenal on the wall.
But then the shark comes in the window and it looks like that’s the end for MB. I’m not counting it yet tho
NSB asks for help in “his honor”
And Wade (MB) isn’t dead..
Over the course of the movie there has been a character I have not mentioned, they tell you she is “Japanese” and doesn’t speak English and it’s played off real bad.
She’s actually in the movie in spots, and usually it’s someone hitting on her and she doesn’t get it because she doesn’t understand them.
Punctual bro tried to hookup and she didn’t understand him.
She is now on the mountain trying to get her snow steps in.
She has discovered the objects that glowed earlier.. and since they don’t have a Shaman and it’s 71 minutes in.. I’m betting this is actually who she is.
She starts straightening up the effigies
So wade tells the girls the shark just disappeared. Which coincided with mystery lady straightening up the effigy.
It’s swimming around the girls and one makes a run for it
And she gets eaten just before maybe shaman probably offensive stereotype shifts another effigy, and she is now the latest SharkSnack and we are at 15/2
NSB is finally eaten by one of the 2 remaining sharks.
And is saved by another effigy move. 15/3
If Mystery lady is just doing this for exercise I’m going to be disappointed.
Another shark attacks them on a truck and then chases the ladies… only to disappear 15/4
And they are arguing on whether it’s safe or not.. and then..
The last shark eats NSB.
And then that one is gone too 16/5 (actually 15/5, I counted SDB twice but his ass dies 3 times)
And the mysterious lady skis away.
and we don’t get any closure here, because an effigy falls over and another shark is freed sometime later.
AND THATS IT
The end total was Avalanche Sharks 16(15), DudeBros 5. 6 out of 10. That McGuffin ending was.. so bad. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and I’ll see yall next week.
I take more images and if you want to see them they are here.